Our Foster to Adopt Journey Begins
Our Foster to Adopt Journey Begins: My Top 5 Experiences So Far
Nearly a year has passed since we began the process of becoming foster parents. The last 10 months have been painful, exciting, revealing, healing, character building… It’s like what I imagine being pregnant and preparing to welcome a child into our home would be like. We have become mentally and physically prepared to meet a new wonderful person (or people:) that will change our lives and touch our hearts.
We’ve had 2 chances to accept children since we were officially licensed and neither panned out.
This is my first reflection on foster care, adoption and parenting. I hope that much of my experience resonates with you and, if you are called, inspires you to consider opening your home as well.
These are my top 5 most significant experiences so far, in no particular order.
The term “home study” had been used since day one and I had no clue what it was or what it would be like, but that it would be slightly uncomfortable and very personal. A stranger, albeit a kind, conversational one, comes to your home for several hours and interviews you together as a couple, and separately. 3-4 months later, and after many more phone calls asking more questions and clarifying things, a 30 page story is written about your family. I see why they do this – and I’m sure it works out differently for every family – but it really opens up some new conversations between spouses and makes you think about certain habits or aspects of your life that you hadn’t thought of before. For me, I knew my childhood abuse would come up, and our interviewer recommended a great book written by a woman who also experienced childhood trauma and how it affected her life as an adult, and of course, how she healed from it. It opened my eyes in many ways, enriched my marriage, and helped me understand why I see the world in some strange ways that have always made me feel a little out of place.
My advice to the not-yet-home-studied:
Be ready to have an open mind and truly dig deep to give honest answers to hard questions. Let this experience help you learn more about yourself and your spouse. If your experience is anything like mine, you’ll become a better, more self-aware person. Be patient as you wait for the home study to be complete…it’s not easy, but it’s not about YOUR timing. You are part of a greater plan. LASTLY, try to do this home study earlier in the licensing process to allow time to finish it asap. Our study wasn’t supposed to take forever, but for some reason it did, and we lost out on several chances to take some sweet children into our home because the home study was holding up our licensure. If I could go back, I’d ask my family specialist how early we could schedule the home study sooner rather than later.
The ENDLESS and [Seemingly Pointless] Paperwork… There is paperwork for everything… and everyone! And there will be a little more after that, just when you think you’re done! Anyone who comes to your house frequently will need background checks. Maps will be made with escape routes. Fire marshalls will visit your house. Disaster plans will be drawn up. Emergency kits will be prepped. (Likely never to be used, but definitely to take up valuable space in your pantry or garage…) Rewards and behavior plans will be written down. Checklists will be checked. These checklists look pretty mild at first, but if you have a pool pump with no fence around it, you’ll have to build one. If you haven’t separated your internal and topical and prescription meds, you will re-organize your cabinets. These checklists are a call to action! And then come the binders! You’ll need somewhere to store your notes, forms, rules, license, logs, CPR certs, etc, etc, etc. The process to get your license requires lots of paperwork… right now we are in the calm before the storm, because after we get placements, the paperwork begins again.
My advice to those not-yet-entrenched-in-piles-of-agency-paperwork:
Save it all. In one place. You will send it in again. I probably re-sent about 15% of my paperwork because it wasn’t filed, or they switched me to a new contact… I recommend that right out of the gate you let them know that you’d like to copy 2 email contacts on the documents you send in, so they can go to someone else at the agency before asking YOU to re-send it. If you don’t do that, at least keep a file with every single item that you’ve sent so you can be prepared to resend it once or twice before you’re licensed. If I could go back and do it again, I’d send more paperwork via a phone scanning app (the ones lacking personal private data) so I could go back and resend a doc straight from my phone instead of digging through my piles, emails and faxes. If you don’t hear back from your agency’s contact that they received your paperwork, check with them and re-send items while they’re fresh on your mind. And don’t be like me and complain when they didn’t get something filed. Just smile and laugh. It’s not worth getting riled up about – they’re working hard to keep things moving for your family. Some file mishandling was out of their control and they’re just dealing with what was passed onto them. So… just smile and laugh.
While going through the checklists, you’d think you were prepping your house to take in klepto-druggie-arsonists, but you’re not. You’re just preparing yourself for ANYTHING. If any item in your house has the potential to be misused or create danger, you’ll have to make a plan to avoid a disaster. Plug up those outlets (just be glad they don’t make you lock them.) Assume your future children want to overdose on all your meds – topical and internal! (They all have to be locked up and out of reach, some double locked.) Organize your cabinets (because you probably keep all your cabinets unlocked and slightly disheveled. You may not even know what all you own under your sinks or above your toilets.) I got my label maker, tape measure and dollar store storage bins and measured every cabinet. I spent some time at the store finding containers that would all fit correctly, and went to town. I separated this and that and the other things and now everything is all so tidy and organized that sometimes I just open by cabinets and get my favorite relaxing drink and sit back and enjoy looking at my handiwork. It’s seriously clean and I threw out so much crap! My medicine and band-aid drawer is now a tidy box on a shelf and I can find what I need in a heartbeat. I do not regret spending time on that checklist item. I even sleep better knowing that I know where everything is and that I don’t have clutter hiding in my closets and cabinets.
My advice for the disorganized-and-unlocked-families:
This process of locking, child-proofing and separating items led to me reach a goal I wish I had set for myself earlier. Even if you don’t foster, I recommend organizing cabinets and closets in labeled bins. This has been one of the highlights of the whole process and I know I will appreciate the hard work now and in the future. I have found myself searching for unorganized space and purging it, labeling it and binning it. It’s just so satisfying! As far as child-proofing, when you get outlet covers, it’s a pain to take them off when you use your instant pot or vacuum. Part of the cord is thicker near where it plugs into the wall and I’ve found that the outlet cover snaps right onto the cord so you don’t have to find a place to set the outlet cover and hope you don’t lose it. I’ve found great deals at estate sales on small locked boxes. Keep an eye out for lockable containers because you’ll need several! Your local Buy Nothing or Buy Sell Trade groups online will also be great resources for gathering items you need or helping you get rid of things as you organize your new safely locked areas.
I had no idea how much I would love some of the required brain development training we received. Because there’s a high chance of being placed with a child who experienced trauma, it’s important to understand how trauma affects the brain. Since we began taking short courses at our agency about how a traumatized brain develops vs. how a non-traumatized brain develops I have read several more books on the subject. This topic easily transitions into brain based behavior management as well. Just like during the home study, I learned SO MUCH about myself and my loved ones and have developed more patience and understanding as I respond to others and even myself. Sometimes it’s all about creating coping strategies, even as an adult! I tried attending a weekend retreat recently which resulted in major entrapment triggers from my childhood abuse. When a trigger happens, I’ve learned that it’s not exactly a bad thing. Now I know the source and can seek healing in a specific area. Educating myself on the subject of brain development and trust based relational intervention (TBRI), has given me a new understanding of our responsibility to help the children that will come to our home.
The following books come highly recommended if you want to learn more about brain development, behavior management, meltdown prevention, creating connections instead of barriers, general skills for better parenting and healing. (We love our Audible account!)
by: Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D.
(12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind, Survive Everyday Parenting Struggles, and Help Your Family Thrive)
by: Kent Hoffman, Glen Cooper, and Bert Powell
(How Circle of Security Parenting Can Help You Nurture Your Child’s Attachment, Emotional Resilience, and Freedom to Explore)
by: Karyn B. Purvis, David Cross, and Wendy Lyons Sunshine
(Bringing hope and healing to your adoptive family)
(Trusr Based Relational Intervention methods)
A biography of a child who was severely abused and put into foster care:
A biography of a Miss America who was severely sexually abused by her father – how it affected her life and how she found healing:
by: Marilyn Van Derbur
(Lessons Learned from Ultimate Betrayals and Unconditional Love)
(A guide for parenting, a handbook for survivors of sexual abuse & a love story)
And lastly, the moment of licensure and all the unknowns that follow...
Days before we were licensed we were put on CPS’s first-to-call list for a child abandoned at a hospital. It looked like adoption was near in our future! The baby’s hospital stay kept extending and they finally found kinship to take the baby girl. I had never even met this child and I wanted to cry. I wanted to meet her so badly. She went with an aunt who was already raising a sibling. It was all for the best. A couple days later we got our first official placement call (and text…and email!) about a newborn and a 5 year old. The baby had no withdrawal symptoms; the child had great behavior reports in kindergarten. I was at working and my husband was on a business trip and we couldn’t contact each other or our case worker until 2 hours had passed. We both got very excited! Upon excitedly working out the details and making that difficult decision to take two instead of one to start out… we discovered that there’s a short window of time to say yes. The notice went out to several families and the first one got the kids. Another heart break. I just kept getting my hopes up and it was just the beginning. I told myself again, if it’s meant to be it will happen! It’s been weeks since our last call and we are wondering if they lost our number. This is normal. So it’s time to practice that good ol’ patience again. It’s not going to happen in OUR time – I must always remember, we are part of a bigger plan!
My advice to the newly-licensed:
Make a plan before your first call. We set up a text code. One of us may be available to read the email and open up the information documents on the children. The first one who can open the email will send an emergency text to the other – “911 boy 5, girl 17 days. no withdrawal.” This quick info text can be responded to quickly without much distraction. We know that my mother can watch the kids on certain days as we look for a day care. We have a back up neighbor who has also filled out all the appropriate paperwork in case my mother is busy. (Both babysitters know that we won’t give them much warning!) We can adjust his schedule by an hour so we overlap just right in time for him to get off and me to get to work. Now we won’t be so unprepared when that call comes!
This journey of preparation has been great so far. My heart strings have been pulled, my patience has been pushed. I know the children meant for our family are out there and we’ve done all we can.
My friend Amy adopted 3 kids – 1 as a baby and 2 through the foster system and she reminded me that we have no guarantees in life. A couple could birth a child with life challenges. A couple could lose their young child. A spouse could pass on without warning. A child could have permanent damage from an accident. We are not guaranteed to have perfect, beautiful, well-behaved children if we birth them ourselves or if we adopt a brand new human. Amy has 3 nearly perfect children and none of them are her own. But they’re not perfect – they have some learning struggles, they misbehave a little, they can act defiant sometimes. But most children do all of that at some point anyway – and they just need to be loved through it all.
We are called to love, to connect, to nurture, to sacrifice, to build. The journey continues!
